But one thing that might have been different is what the 'me' part was was. My number one priority at that time was to manage my life such that I could drink without doing too much damage to myself. I was careful, not because I cared about my health, I didn't, but because I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize my ability to continue drinking. Drinking was all that mattered. I recall so vividly that at the time, I would dream about a life where I could live quietly, perhaps alone, surrounded by enough alcohol that I wouldn't have to worry about ever having leave to get to my next drink. I remember thinking that I could probably live that way until I was about sixty and then die quietly; that was the life I dreamed about.
It's kind of shocking to think about that as I look back now. And it sounds so unbelievable that I don't think my wife took me very seriously. But it was so true and was so real. To be sure, my purpose here isn't to talk about my long road back to sobriety, but let me say one thing about it. Thankfully, I found sobriety and learned from others that there was a better way to live. But even when I was finding that new life, I had no real thoughts concerning my future, my career or how the next twenty or thirty years would unfold. I really was just taking things one day at a time, cliche at it sounds.
Fast forward to last week. Last week, my wife had to leave for an extended period of time to take care of her ailing mother. Without expecting it, I was now a 'single' working parent in charge of a house, my 9 year old son and my dog. Also, I was, and still am, right in the middle of one of the busiest times I've ever had at work -- literally I've been working nearly 11 hours a day since last year sometime.
Two really interesting things happened to me during that week. The first, I actually got some time away from work, though I was able to work from home, participate in calls and keep up on email, I learned that being away from the office was kind of nice. It helped me understand how, without even realizing it, that work is a hugely important part of my life. I actually missed being in the office. I don't know yet if this is good or bad, just that it is.
The second thing was that I got to spend a great deal of time with my son. I'm not going to tell you that it was any sort of 'Courtship of Eddie's Father' moment, but it was nice. I played Xbox with him, we ate sandwiches together for dinner reading over the Wall Street Journal, we read books at night. And I even managed to take a day away from work and go to Six Flags with him. We spent the whole day there --- opening to closing. And in the latter part of the afternoon, we went to the waterpark. And that time in the waterpark, believe it or not, was what made me understand that I love my son more than anything else. Why the waterpark? The afternoon was cloudy, a bit windy, with temperatures in the low 70's. It was cold. But I rode every slide, went in every pool, stood in every line trying not to shiver, because I know it's not about me anymore. It's about him.
And how couldn't it be, seeing him here waiting in line for a roller coaster. Could it be any better?
This chain of thoughts brings me to the reason why I started writing this blog. Without my wife home, I had time to read at night -- she's not going to like me saying this -- but I didn't have to talk to anyone after I put my son to bed. So I did some naval gazing and even googled 'mid-life crisis'. And not surprisingly what I found, all of the things I am going through and have been feeling over the past year are so spot on with someone going through a mid-life crisis.
Sometime during the last year I had some sort of weird breakdown where I all of a sudden felt the weight of the world on my shoulders; thinking that I am responsible for the well being of my wife, my son, my co-workers and that I have absolutely no control over what comes next, was too much suddenly and all I wanted was to be alone. The trigger might have been when I saw co-workers being laid off and without even realizing it, I started to wonder, why not me and what would happen if it were me -- would we have to move....all of the things that could change or be destroyed if I simply didn't keep it together. But like I said in the title of my blog, I'm no different than any other middle age person with a load of responsibilities. But knowing it doesn't make it any less scary.
